The Empty Stocking Problem: How To Communicate Your Way Out of Disappointment

Unmet needs in a relationship create resentment. 

Few times make that as apparent as the holidays as social media illustrates with tens of thousands of women sharing their stories of how they are so often forgotten at Christmas and find themselves met with an empty stocking on Christmas morning.  This, after having poured their heart, soul, money and sometimes sanity, into making the holidays magical for their partner and families. 

The empty stocking has come to symbolize a deeper issue that many women are having, the struggle between feeling like they shouldn't have to remind their partners or families to think of them versus the hurt and anger that comes from being continually disappointed. 

It doesn't have to be this way. There's another option: communicating your needs and expectations clearly and giving your partner the opportunity to succeed. 

In this episode, Lisa shares a framework to help get more of the thoughtfulness and outcomes that you want, and less of the hurt and frustration that you don't want.  

Want more Divorce Curious goodness? Sign up for my newsletter https://lisamitchell.biz/divorce-curious

Have a comment for me or a topic you want to see covered on the podcast? Email me at lisa@divorceecurioushelp.com

Connect with me on Instagram at @divorcecurioushelp

Join the 60K+ other people who follow Divorce-Curious on TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@divorcecuriouspodcast

Transcript

Lisa Mitchell (00:00)
Hey, and welcome to the Divorce Curious Podcast. I am your host, Lisa Mitchell, and I am recording this episode just a few days before Christmas. And I didn't plan on recording this or going live with this, but I feel like I would be remiss if I did not take this opportunity to talk about a topic that I keep seeing coming up over and over again.

on social media. So you can see if you're watching me on YouTube or seeing the link, like I have my Christmas dogs sweater on, you're welcome, feeling very festive. But what I am hearing is that there are a lot of right now who have already decided that they are going to be disappointed come Christmas morning. And this particular type of disappointment, this particular type of pain,

seems to be coming primarily in the form of not getting anything in their stockings. And it's not just the fact that there isn't anything in their stocking. It's more the fact that they kill themselves, put all this extra time and energy and thoughtfulness into decorating the house and baking cookies and creating experiences and.

trucking the kids off to see the Nutcracker and wrapping the gifts, buying all the gifts, thinking about what would make Christmas the most magical for the people in their house and the people that they love and their family and really putting that extra time and thoughtfulness into it. for some people, I love Christmas magic as much as the next mom, but also it was kind of draining for me. And frankly, there were some years, especially

The years just passed my divorce where I think I was trying to kill myself to kind of overcompensate of what our family Christmases didn't feel like. And even though at that time my daughter was really young, I still wanted it. I still wanted to be like the Hallmark movie, the Hallmark Christmas movie version of what a family Christmas should look like. And so I would really try and put a ton of energy and ton of time and a ton of love into trying to create

the best experience that I could create for my family. And I don't think I'm alone in that. I think that there's a lot of us and in many cases, a lot of moms or a lot of wives that really like we are Christmas, if it wasn't for our effort and our energy and our planning and our thoughtfulness and our strategy, like there just, there wouldn't be a Christmas in our house. Everybody would be disappointed on Christmas morning, but instead.

even at the risk or in sometimes the reality that there's not gonna be that reciprocal care and that reciprocal attention and that reciprocal thoughtfulness coming back our direction, we do it anyways. So a lot of times it's almost kind of sacrificial, I'll say in some cases it's really expected, it's just mom's job.

It's just what we do, it's our job, we're probably doing it for our own household and for other people's households too. It's just what mom does, right? Or we don't even know that mom does it, it just happens, It's like part of the Christmas magic. And it's like, there's, I've seen the memes all over social media. It's yeah, when you get older and you realize that Christmas magic was actually your mom, putting all her time and energy and love into creating the experiences for you.

There's something true about that. And I know for a fact that growing up that anything we had in our house that resembled Christmas magic was 100 % the effort of my mom nobody was more surprised on Christmas morning about what Santa brought or what we got than my dad. still to this day, we'll go and we'll open gifts as a family and everything is from, you know, mom and dad or grandma and grandpa.

And my dad has no idea, just not a single clue as to what is happening. all the beautifully wrapped gifts and all that Christmas magic is compliments of my mom. And so I try to be a lot more thoughtful about acknowledging her and recognizing her now. Because again, as a kid, I'm selfish. I don't care. I just want to see what's in my stocking and what's under the tree. But as an adult now and as a mom now, I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get it.

It wasn't Christmas magic, it was my mom. So for all the moms out there that are just busting your ass trying to create Christmas magic for your family, my wish for you is that your stocking is full on Christmas morning. And really kind of the catalyst for this episode and the broader conversation that I want to have around it right now is there was ⁓ a post that was done and I'm literally looking at it on my phone right now because it was

by a gentleman whose handle is David Dolphinic. And he posted it on Instagram not that long ago and it's got 267,000 likes as of the time I'm recording this episode. It's got 7,000 plus comments and it's been shared over 104,000 times.

And for him, he had a clever take on it. He basically put it out as a warning, a warning message to men. And he actually walks over to his mantle and he talks about the stockings and he's like, okay, you see these stockings here? And he's and there's probably one with the name or the initial of like your wife on it. Don't let that be empty. And so he's like giving simple strategies.

⁓ to help bring awareness and he does it in a really funny way, but his message is very poignant of like don't forget. Don't forget your wife. Don't forget the mom. Don't forget the person who really creates the Christmas magic for your entire family, And it's, I'll tell you, like I appreciate it. I appreciate it both from the fact that he had a way to

addressed the subject that didn't feel condemning or didn't feel punitive, but was like still like it lands, right? When you hear it and you listen to it, it really lands. But his whole point is like, don't drop the ball. Like don't, don't be the one men and or children if they're appropriate age, like don't be the one to disappoint the person in your house that creates a Christmas magic for you. And

I'll tell you like what really, really got me. Like the message was great. It's a short video. Again, it's by at David Dylfenek and it's D-A-V-E D-O-L P-H-I-N okay. Anyways, I wanna give him props because this was a clever video. But of those 7,000 comments that are happening, the vast majority of them are women.

sharing, I won't even call it frustration, right? I'll call it more sadness. Like women sharing the sadness of their many, many empty stockings that they had on Christmas morning and how that really has impacted them. And it seems, again, it's not about how much money you spend or what you're buying for it, It's literally about the thoughtfulness of including doing something thoughtful.

and making sure that the person who's working hard to create this holiday magic for your family gets a little bit of holiday magic of their own, And maybe in your family, it's the dad of the family that does it all, but not forgetting the person who puts so much time into it. But one of the comments that has almost 42,000 likes as of this moment said, my stocking didn't have anything in it for 18 whole years. In my daughter's 17th year, her last,

childhood Christmas, my stocking was overflowing with shit because she filled it this time. My heart still breaks at the thought of this. So a lot of times when you do end up with something in your stocking, it's either because you've bought it for yourself or your kids have reached the age where they, A, think outside themselves enough to understand, yeah, like mom's a human too. And B, realize how sad it is.

that you weren't thought of and the kids take it upon themselves more times than not when it gets rectified. So there's just a lot of really sad, sad comments. ⁓ There's another one I love that says, I need the women in the comments to stop crying in the closet on Christmas morning, cry in front of everyone and then knock the tree over.

I bet you're stockings full next year, if not get a divorce. she's like, cause a lot of the comments are like, ⁓ you know, I go, I'm upset. I cry quietly. I don't want to make a spectacle. It hurts my feelings, but I don't say anything. And she's going like, she's like, no, make it, make your sadness and your disappointment everybody's problem. be the problem, knock the Christmas tree down. So I just, the comments on here are really,

like vast and varied. And it's interesting because like women from not the US that are commenting are what are you talking about? this would never happen. there's never a Christmas where my stocking hasn't been filled by my husband or by my partner. So I just, think it's so interesting in here, it's, you comment, take it literally these comments just freaking break my heart, you guys.

One year I secretly cried after my kid asked mommy, why is your stocking always empty? Every year I remind all of the men I know to make sure that they fill their partner's stocking. It's not a big deal, but it's a big deal to have an empty one. So I love that. it's, it isn't a big deal. It doesn't matter what's in it. It doesn't go to the dollar store. it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be grandiose or expensive. It's just like, did you think of me or did you forget me?

that's fundamentally what the whole empty stocking problem is all about. It's feeling forgotten, feeling unappreciated, feeling unimportant. And a lot of women that I talk to feel that way every day. But on Christmas morning, you have a physical, a physical like representation of that being forgotten or being not thought of or being taken.

for granted, it's literally hanging on your fireplace mantle or wherever your family puts your stockings if you celebrate Christmas. It's there and everybody else's is full and yours is empty. And that symbolically like it hits, it hits so different. to see your forgottenness, to see your lack of importance, to see the lack of care or concern or love or however you translate that like hanging.

admits everyone else's overflowing and abundant representations of love that are that way because of what you put out and created for them. I think it just hits a little bit different here. some of them, yeah, the comments are like, help these men out. There's a lot of women crying and quiet and in silence or being sad in silence. so there's a couple of thoughts I have on here. anyways, I could read these comments all day long. I won't, but.

If you check the post out for any myriad of posts that pop up this time of year, there's going to be a couple of common themes. And I want to approach this, being the Divorce Curious podcast and all, I want to just have some real talk here, right? Because we have a tendency to be complicit in our own disappointment and misery sometimes. here's how I'll frame it.

You shouldn't have to remind the people who love you or your partner in particular that they should think of you.

on Christmas or on a holiday, whatever holiday you celebrate. You shouldn't have, I get it. have argued with me about this, about like, well, I don't have to be reminded to be thoughtful to him, right? Or to her. don't have to be reminded. we're married, we're partners, we're doing life together, we have a family together. why do I have to remind him, right? And I totally get it. I totally get it that...

You shouldn't have to, But let's walk through this together. Let's walk through what the alternative is. The alternative is especially, especially if you have a track record of years and years and years and years of being disappointed and not being thought of and you've been stewing and sad and mad and bitching to your girlfriends and cranked up about the fact for years and years and years. So,

Let's just say that that's the history which would lead us to believe that going forward, the result would be the same for this year, So you have a couple of choices. You can anticipate failure, wait to be disappointed, get to say, told you so, I knew I would be disappointed, and then still be sad and mad or pissed off on Christmas morning. So that's choice.

Right? That's a path. You can help fulfill your own disappointment destiny by staying quiet and waiting, just waiting for the failure, waiting for the disappointment, probably getting a little worked up in advance, just even thinking about it. Sure. Right? that past Christmas disappointment pain comes back. So that's a choice. You can choose to take that approach or through the lens of, you know, a communication.

focused coach here, I'd like to offer you an alternative path for this year. So putting aside the fact that we should not have to remind people to be thoughtful and let us participate in the joy of holidays, thanks to their efforts, we shouldn't have to, I agree. But what if we did? What if you could clearly articulate

your expectation ahead of time. Like I'm not talking about Christmas Eve at 10 o'clock when nothing's open. What if you like today or the day that you hear this, right? What if, and if it's past Christmas for 2025, tuck it away for 2026 or the next traditionally disappointing occasion that you have. Because this advice is not just about stockings and Christmas. This advice is what I want you to think about when you have a ongoing frustration

due to an unmet need or expectation that you have. This will work stockings or otherwise. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to clearly communicate what it is that you desire and what you expect.

Should you have to? No. That is not the conversation we're having anymore. We've already acknowledged that. I want you to communicate to your partner, to your husband, to your adult children, to whoever you are creating magic for who would have access to reciprocating. Communicate to them. Say, I expect this year.

that I will have gifts in my stocking to enjoy with you as you open yours on Christmas morning.

Now I know some of you are probably like, no way. No way, I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to say that. They should know it. I'm not gonna do it. Enjoy your disappointment. People are consistent. If you've been disappointed previously and you haven't articulated it or addressed it and you've cried quietly in your closet like apparently tens of thousands of women do based on Instagram comments, enjoy your decision. However, I would like to encourage you

to identify and articulate your desires and expectations in a way that they can be met and give yourself the opportunity to experience a different joy on Christmas morning.

set them up for success, right? Most of, we think, oh, they should just know, or they're choosing not to put anything in my stocking because of blah, blah, blah. No, they're probably not. Like honestly, don't give people more credit for being aware than they deserve. Most people, especially if you have kind of this history of just how things have always been, they're not gonna do the extra stretch work to reevaluate the course of events every year.

It's just going to be the way it's always been. This is how it always goes. Every year there's something in my stocking and every year there's nothing in her stocking and she's fine with it. And if you have never articulated or expressed or knocked your Christmas tree over in a fit of rage after being disappointed, then they may actually think that you're okay with it. So don't give people more credit for critical thinking or awareness than most people are operating with.

Let's do things differently. If you want a different outcome, let's take a different action. Let's take a different approach this year. So first up, articulate your desire and your expectation. And then if you want to throw in like, this is why it's important to me, that's great. maybe not a big pile of 10 years of, you know, pent up rage and guilt bait, but like, I really enjoy, I love watching you guys enjoy what I do for you.

I would really love to experience that for myself this year with you, don't be subtle. This is the other thing, Don't expect awareness where there historically hasn't been any and don't be subtle about it or passive aggressive about it. Like this is kind of my hallmark. I'm gonna be honest and own this, When I'm feeling some sort of way about being not thought of or doing more for somebody else and is being reciprocated or.

doing it all by myself, I can get a little snarky or I can get a little passive aggressive or, you know, make a comment like, well, yeah, it's great that everybody else has stockings, right? Or has stuff in their stockings or boy, that must be nice, right? these little snarky sniper attacks of unhelpful information. Again, if you're dealing with people who don't have a high level of self-awareness, you may think you're being really, really pointed or that you're laying the snark on extra heavy or there's like no way that they can miss that this is what they need to do this year.

they're gonna miss it. They're gonna miss it. And then you're gonna be even more pissed because you're gonna think, I told them. Well, no, you didn't, you behaved in a way that should have connected the dots, but like, let's be so for real right now. connecting dots is not a lot of partner strong suits. it's okay. We're all busy. We have busy minds. It's okay. But don't expect, don't be subtle.

Don't be snarky, don't hit sniper attacks and expect that to get you the outcome or the behavior that you want. That's just gonna make you feel like you're even doubly disappointed because quote unquote you told them. No, you did not. Snide comments, passing comments, anything that's not direct, anything that is not like this is what I want and this is how I expect you to execute on it, like does not pass this communication test with me. So don't be subtle.

Don't be snarky, don't imply, don't infer, don't heavily suggest. just know, like be clear, be clear, be clear. Because here, like here's the next part of it. Here's what this does. When you articulate your desire and you communicate your expectation in very clear terms to people whose attention you have, that's the other part. You can't do it when they're busy doing other things or they'll say they didn't hear you. And then that's a whole nother argument. Communicate your desire.

communicate your expectation, say it to them when you have their full attention, and then set it and forget it. Because now, now's the part where you get to see the outcome and collect the data from that outcome.

Because if you clearly articulated what you wanted, clearly set an expectation, did it when you had their full attention, there's no opportunity to say, I didn't hear you or I wasn't paying attention or whatever, right?

and they still don't step up. Your stocking is still empty on Christmas morning. That is a data point, right? Because then you've gone from lack of awareness or uncertainty on how to execute or meet your expectation to I know what you want. I know how you'd like it to be

executed on and now I'm choosing not to do it even though I know it's important to you.

And I'm not saying that if you communicate your expectation clearly and you articulate your desire that that won't still happen. It might like let's just depending on the state of your relationship and the mindset of your partner and it might still lead to an empty stocking on Christmas morning. just let's just be prepared for that. But then it's different than I didn't know. You never told me.

it's always been this way, Then it's like, no, no, no, no, no. I knew you told me and I just chose to decide it wasn't important or that I didn't feel like doing it.

And those are two very different things, right? I mean, name of the podcast is Divorce Curious. So part of the process of curiosity of like, what's my next decision is collecting data. And if somebody knows what you want and knows how you want to receive it and knows why it's important to you and still decides that it's not important enough or compelling enough for them to execute on,

That's a data point.

That's a deeper conversation. That's a deeper disconnection. That's a deeper, unless there's some sort of like unsurmountable logistical problem that prevented them from executing on it. And then it should be like, listen, I ordered this. got held up. Like Amazon couldn't get it. whatever, right? Then there's grace in space, Cause at least the thoughtfulness was there, but the execution got a little wonky. But really, isn't it like the thoughtfulness that you want anyways?

Is it really about what ends up in your stocking? No. from the lion's share of us, right? It has nothing to do with the what. It has to do with the act and the intention behind it. The I am thought of, I was listened to, you made an effort, you reciprocated the energy that I put out to help make your experience magical, to help make you feel thought of.

that's, that's, isn't that really if we're really honest with ourselves, that's what has us crying in the closet. It's not that there isn't, you know, bath and body works lotion and our stocking. It's nobody thought about us. we do all this for everybody.

and nobody thought about us. And that's the part. That's the part that creates this friction and the sadness and this crying in the closet or this kicking the Christmas tree over in rage and destroying Christmas. I mean, whatever choose your adventure you decide to take as a reaction to that, the core wound, the core problem is like, it reinforces a thought of like, nobody cares, nobody's listening, nobody thinks about me.

which is where a lot of moms and wives and partners are a lot of the time, it's not a hard space to be in, but it can be really, really hard to collect enough evidence to get yourself out of it. So that's my challenge for you. If you are, and apparently, know, hundreds of thousands of people are already anticipating being disappointed, again, not because they didn't get anything. It's not the point. ⁓

because not getting anything translates into, don't care about you, I don't love you, you're not important, I'm not thinking about you, and I don't care what you want or what you need, none of those things feel good coming at you Christmas morning or any other day of the year, frankly. So if you're in that space where you're like, here we go again, I know how this is gonna end, let's do a little pattern interruption.

and you don't have to be upset about it. You don't have to be emotional about it. You don't have to reference past disappointments, Let's just cling slate. Let's just neutral it. And let's be very specific about, this is what I want.

This is how I'd like it to happen. And even throw in a little compelling reason of this is why it's important to me. This is why it matters to me. Again, it's not confrontation. You're not starting a fight. You're not holding past grievances of failures against anybody. It's not like how you do this and the tone that you use and the way that you frame it. I'll even give you kind of a script. Hey, honey, I've had so much fun.

getting ready, you know, getting everything ready for Christmas. And I can't wait to see how excited you are, how excited the kids are on Christmas morning. I would really love this year to also get to join in that excitement and that fun. And it would mean so much to me if you could take a little bit of time and, you know, pick up a couple of things to make sure that I have something in my stocking on Christmas morning too. I would love that. that would make me feel

⁓ That made me feel really loved and that would help, you know, that helped me enjoy the excitement around Christmas so much more.

Should you have to ask? No, no, that's not what this is about. It's not what you should do or why aren't they or they don't ever, like it's not, it's not, don't bring that energy into it, You're gonna get unintended consequences. It's just clearly articulated desire. This is how I'd like you to execute on it. This is why it's important to me. If you think a little like compelling business case helps cement the deal.

And then if you want to like upfront contract and be like, can you do that for me? Or will you do that for me? And get an upfront contract, Let's just go, let's go sales process 101, Like upfront contract. This is what I want. This is why it's important to me. Do I have your commitment to help make this happen? Like you can have some fun with it. You can be a little cheesy with it. But the point is, is I don't want you. I don't want you crying in the closet.

on Christmas morning. And I also don't want you like rage kicking the Christmas tree and blowing up and creating an international incident in your family room on Christmas morning either, right? I don't want that for you. What I want for you, it's what I always want for you, whether it's Christmas morning and it's about stockings or whether it's any other day, is I want you to feel seen and heard and valued and loved.

and appreciated. And I want you to feel empowered by understanding how you can help make those things happen with your communication. And that when you can communicate and when you can be clear and when you can be articulate about exactly what you want and make it easy, because what that does is it makes it easy for somebody to succeed. You're, you're giving them the blueprint. you're making it, as I like to say, in corporate training, right? You're making it stupid explicit, like

Step one, think of me, step two, take a look at what's on my countertop. What products do I use? What lotion do I like? What lipstick do I wear? There's clues all over just by existing in the same space with me. What type of coffee do I like to drink? What drive-throughs do I go through? It's so easy. We leave clues all the time. They don't even have to be sneaky. They can just look at us and observe our behavior and the things we already like to do and places we like to go and the products we like to use. Voila.

Stocking is full. It's not that hard. If you want to give them a list, great. Let's idiot proof this as much as we can, right? We have tools. That's why we're smarter than the animals. But yeah, like make it clear, make it compelling, make it hard to mess up, right? Here's what I think will happen.

is when you do this, when you advocate for yourself, when you tell them what you want, how you want it, what you expect, and why it's important to you, and then they accept the challenge. call out a side quest if you want to. I don't care. Like gamify it if you need to. But they get to go succeed. And then you get to acknowledge and reward them with your enthusiasm and your words. And then they feel great because they succeeded.

And it may be like you drew the map, but man, they succeeded, So that alone can be enough of a win to encourage ongoing thoughtfulness, ongoing behavior, you know, and maybe that's the end of empty stockings for mom or for partner at Christmas, right? Like maybe that's the thing. Maybe that rewrites the script and creates a new core memory and reinforces the need to be more thoughtful or to be more inclusive in how.

that experience looks for you from a family standpoint. So that is my hope for you. Nobody, nobody should have an empty stocking on Christmas, especially not the people who are making Christmas magic for everybody else to enjoy and planning everything and planning logistics and wrapping everything and shopping and blah, blah, blah, right? Especially not that person. No, that is not okay. So instead of sitting around waiting to be disappointed, what are we going to do? Yes.

We're gonna use our words. We're gonna use our communication framework I just gave you. Articulate your desire. Be clear on how you want it executed. Give a compelling reason why it's important, an upfront contract that somebody's gonna participate, right? if you can hit those four things in the days between now and Christmas morning, I feel like you're probably gonna have a much better experience. And it doesn't mean less because you had to say it out loud or ask for it. So don't buy into that story.

That's bullshit, don't do it. And if you are, after all of that, you've communicated, you've helped them execute, you've given them compelling reason, and that partner still does not step up for you to meet that need for you or attempt to in a really, really authentic way.

that data point.

tuck it away.

and use it when you need to some decisions. I'm not advocating you get divorced because your stocking is empty. That would be silly. But I'm guessing if you do all that and your stocking is still empty, that you probably have a whole big laundry list of data points. And this is just one more compelling case.

I could be wrong. I don't know. I would love to know your thoughts on this. I would love for you to try this, to communicate it, and then leave comments or email me. Let me know how this goes for you, what changes, if anything changes, if it helps you make a decision. My theory is if it's done with the right tone and you give it the right amount of specificity, that someone who is

even in the ballpark of caring, loving, or being concerned about your needs, it's probably gonna step up to the challenge and you're gonna get to create a really new, great experience for you to have. So that's my theory. Prove me wrong, prove me right. I don't know. I just wanna hear how it goes for you. ⁓ In the meantime, like, share, subscribe to the podcast, send this to somebody else. Like, you know you go out to coffee with your friends and this is all like, some of y'all, there's more than you. There's more than you.

probably a handful of you that have the same challenge, the same complaint, the same disappointment in advance, be a good friend. Share this out, give them the tips, follow the framework, and then I am looking forward to hearing how it goes. All right, as always, like, share, subscribe, comment, stay connected, subscribe to the newsletter. Yeah, and check out the rest of the episodes, because there's a whole bunch of good stuff.

depending on if you get any data points over the holidays that make you want to find out some more about some of your options, check out the other episodes. We got all sorts of experts and people here to give you perspective, advice and guidance. So until next time, friends, I'm going to say for friends that celebrate Christmas, friends that celebrate Hanukkah, friends that celebrate Kwanzaa, just celebrate. Life is hard right now. Go celebrate. And more importantly,

I hope that you all stay curious and I'll catch you on the next episode.