Divorce Without Destruction with Hillary Sharpnack

In this episode of the Divorce Curious Show, host Lisa Mitchell engages in a candid conversation with mediator Hillary Sharpnack about the complexities of divorce and the mediation process. They explore Hillary's unique journey into mediation, the philosophy of 'divorce without destruction', and the importance of same-room mediation. The discussion highlights common misconceptions about mediation, the emotional landscape of divorce, and practical steps for those considering their options. Listeners are encouraged to gather information and explore mediation as a viable alternative to traditional divorce proceedings.

Hillary Sharpnack Bio:
If you asked Hillary what one word she would hope others would use to describe her, it would be “Peacemaker” — not to be confused with “Peacekeeper.” Peacemaking actively confronts conflict and tension, whereas peacekeeping avoids conflict to maintain peace. No matter the conflict type, Hillary works passionately as a Mediator to tackle and ultimately resolve conflict by first identifying the issues, discerning the underlying interests of all involved, and finally determining solutions that address the issues AND accommodates the interests.

Before family mediation, Hillary worked extensively in Human Resources for a large construction and mining company at the business unit and corporate level. Interestingly, Hillary encountered the exact two job requirements in every role she worked within the company — conflict management and resolution.

Through her corporate and educational experience, Hillary discovered a passion for solving problems and resolving conflicts in ways that establish positive relationships, thus beginning her path to becoming a mediator.

In 2018, Hillary graduated from Abilene Christian University with a master’s degree in Conflict Resolution and Reconciliation. As part of her practicum work within her master’s program, she had the opportunity to teach conflict resolution and mediation skills to college-level students in South Africa. The class focused on resolving disputes in various settings, including family, church, workplace, and community.

Resolution Mediation’s approach to mediating allow Hillary to serve others on a personal level in helping to resolve conflict without destruction to the relationship.

Takeaways

• Mediation is a collaborative process focused on family needs.
• Divorce without destruction emphasizes minimizing harm during divorce.
• Same-room mediation allows couples to communicate directly.
• Many people are unaware of mediation as an option.
• Expectations of entitlement can hinder the mediation process.
• Mediation is not suitable for those seeking to punish their spouse.
• Gathering information is crucial for making informed decisions.
• Mediation can be just as thorough as traditional litigation.
• Understanding the emotional context is vital in divorce.
• The mediator's role is to facilitate communication and understanding.

Learn more about Resolution Mediation

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Transcript

Lisa Mitchell: This is a Divorce Curious podcast. I'm your host, Lisa Mitchell. If you're here, your life and marriage might kind of suck right now, and I've been exactly where you are. At Divorce Curious, we're going to say the quiet parts out loud. We're going to sit in the anger, confusion and disappointment that you're feeling and talk about what it looks like to go through the before, during and after.

Welcome to another episode of the Divorce Curious Podcast. I'm your host, Lisa Mitchell, and today I am so excited to bring this conversation to you because I am sitting here with Hillary Sharpnack. She is a mediator at Resolution Mediation. Hilary and I had one of the most interesting conversations where we were both super, super caffeinated.

And I had a million questions for her and then begged her to come on the show to share all of her brilliance with you all as well. So Hilary, welcome to the show. Thank you. 

Hillary Sharpnack: You didn't have to do much baking. 

Lisa Mitchell: Well, you know, just a little bit in caffeine. Yeah. So we're going to put the caveat out there that we both kind of sound like men today.

Yes, we do. And you might hear some cough drops rattling around and we're just gonna do our very, very best to get through it and bring your great show to you today. And thank you in advance for your grace because it's going to be worth dealing with a couple sniffles and coughs here and there because Hillary has such an interesting approach and such an interesting professional practice around helping people just like you that are in that divorce curious space and whether you've made the decision.

Up in your mind of what your path is next or whether you're just exploring or you're just feeling unhappy and stuck and you don't even really know maybe what might come next. I think after the conversation with Hillary today, she's going to fill in a whole bunch of blanks for you. So Hillary, let's get to it.

Thanks again for being on. Of course. Why don't you share a little bit of, cause I know you have a kind of an interesting career path and you didn't just decide in third grade career day that you were going to be a divorce mediator. No. So how did you end up sitting in the places and spaces with people that are making these decisions all the time?

Hillary Sharpnack: So I'm a little non traditional because in the mediator world, everybody assumes you're an attorney. I am not an attorney. I actually come from the human resources background. So I was in corporate human resources for about a decade. And was dealing a lot with the employee relations side, employee investigation side, kind of over the North America, working a lot with the local business unit, HR.

And I love certain aspects of it. I really did enjoy the situations and dissecting the situations and the conflict and the getting everybody's kind of side of the story. But I just got burned out. I really just got burned out on the. Corporate way of doing things and having to worry about am I setting precedence or are we giving favoritism over here?

But then this exact same situation over here, we're gonna do something different because it's so and so and never 

Lisa Mitchell: happen 

Hillary Sharpnack: No, never never so it was I just got burned out and I I needed to change and honestly I had no clue what I was gonna do. I'd only known HR I had a marketing degree, but I had never touched marketing, never did anything with it.

I just knew that I needed out of the corporate world. So I went back to school and in that pursuit, got a master's in conflict resolution and reconciliation. And through that program, learned about family mediation, permanently divorced mediation. And I was like, Yes, this is what I want to do, because one, I can make my own schedule.

We love a flexible 

Lisa Mitchell: queen. I 

Hillary Sharpnack: was, I was over the Monday through Friday night job, but also more importantly, the, the just conflict resolution side of things and getting to help somebody on a personal level and looking at mediation as a collaborative process was huge to me. So that was really where I was like, yes, that's what I want to do.

So right around after I graduated with my degree, my husband got transferred back to Indiana for his job. And so we were here and I was like, okay, can I even do this in Indiana? I have no idea. I'm not an attorney. So looked into it. And in Indiana, you have to take a 40 hour course to be a registered mediator.

And through that process, um, that's kind of how I met. My partner Tess, she was a coach for my training when I was going through that, but also she was the one of the only, I think, two people, I had just done some cold, like emails, cold calls, and was just like, can somebody talk to me about mediation? I just want to take you to like, 

Lisa Mitchell: tell me what I need to know.

I was like, literally, I don't know if 

Hillary Sharpnack: I can do this. And she was one of, I think, two people out of however many I called, emailed, cold called. And she was so sweet. We went to lunch together and she was just like, yes, I will teach you, please. Like she is just such a supporter of the mediation field, but more importantly, just getting anybody involved into it and kind of getting the education piece out there.

So I shadowed her for a couple of years after she was one of my coaches and we just formed a really great relationship. And, um, we were at a previous firm together for about four years. And then last year in 23, we decided to move out and start our own firm together. 

Lisa Mitchell: I love that. I think it's so interesting.

First of all, I'm such a, like, I call myself a portfolio life person where like I've, I've had 15 careers and I'll probably have 10 more by the time I, I die or quit working. So I love that you found the journey of the, what else? And we're able to figure out a really interesting. way to use your skill set.

And I'm a certified forensic interviewer as well as, as one of my credentials and that conflict resolution and threat assessment and all of the things I think that we use a lot in HR in that realm, you can also then translate into having these very sensitive conversations when, I mean, really what's more high stake than when you're about to potentially blow your marriage up.

Exactly. Right. Like I don't know anybody who walks into that feeling. Certain. So to know that there's an approach. One of the things that really struck me when I was looking at your website and doing my homework after meeting you was the tagline divorce without destruction. Tell me a little bit about how that shows up and why that philosophy like really 

Hillary Sharpnack: fits so well with how you like to work.

So really, really divorce without destruction. It just kind of came naturally to us in the sense of. why we're doing what we're doing. So we know people are going to get divorced and we want to be a resource for them to really make it as least amount of destruction as we can to this family. Because especially when there's children involved, you're going to remain a family.

And so it's how can we keep that focus on the family, At the same time, while the marriage is no longer going to be, but you're still going to remain a family. So how do we redefine that family going forward? And so, Tess can always, of course, say this better than I can, but we know we cannot make divorce painless.

But we certainly try to lessen the pain. And that's really kind of where the divorce without destruction came. Because this is a collaborative process, meaning that It's focused on the same goals of how do we redefine this family because it's going to remain a family. And even if there's not kids, it's still the focus is on you guys had a relationship.

So it's dissolving. So how can we do that in the least combative, the least adversarial way? And really allowing both of you to have a voice in the process and be able to voice what it is you want, why you want what you want, what are your goals? And then again, as us as a mediator, being able to transcribe all of that into, okay, how do we make these decisions where you can get what you want and you can get what you want to the best of the ability of what's kind of in the marital pot?

And how can we meet those goals and hopes that each of you have? 

Lisa Mitchell: Yeah, I love that idea. And I'll tell you when, when you were first explaining to me what mediation was and how it worked in the context of divorce for me, it was like, it was totally new information and I've been through divorce and we did like, uh, it started out as like, A pretty civil process.

We, I didn't know about mediation. We were kind of like sharing the same attorney at the beginning because we thought we had things figured out. Sure. Didn't end up tracking all that way to the end. But I, I think for so many people that I talked to and part of the reason I started the divorce curious podcast is I didn't even really know that mediation was an option.

Hillary Sharpnack: Yeah. 

Lisa Mitchell: Like it immediately when you, when you're sitting there in the middle of the night and you're. You're thinking about, Oh, my God, what is this going to look and feel like if I make this decision mediation and having a collaborative approach and finding a way to move forward without destroying each other.

I don't think a lot of people even know that that's a possibility. 

Hillary Sharpnack: No, they don't. And kind of like with everything, right? We're in Indiana, we're in the Midwest. And so mediation is very well known on the east and west coast. So it is used. A lot on the coasts, it's getting more kind of relevant in the Midwest, but even Indiana has really been kind of slow to the, to the game of mediation.

Now, I will say that with a caveat because mediation has been around for a while in Indiana, but when I say that it's still not known, it's the way we practice. So Tess and I practice same room mediation, which is where. Everybody's in the same room together. Children are not. So put that little plug in there, but the couple is in the same room together.

Now, certainly if there's safety concerns or other reasoning why they should not or cannot be in the same room together, we certainly accommodate that, but we just feel and believe that. You two are making the decisions for your family. So you two need to be able to talk and communicate and hear each other.

And it doesn't mean that you guys have to get along. It doesn't mean you have to like each other. It doesn't mean you have to look at each other. I don't care, but you need to at least be in the same room to kind of hear each other and work together to figure out this is your life. It's not my life as the mediator.

I'm here to guide you, provide the information and help you through the process. But again, it's YouTube as. The decision makers, so same room mediation is what is not as well known in kind of Indiana when people hear of mediation or if they've been court ordered to mediation or if they have attorneys who have said, Hey, let's do mediation is typically what's called shuttle mediation.

And that's where one party is in one room. The other person's in the other room. If they have attorneys, usually they do. But they're in separate rooms and the mediator is shuttling back and forth between the two rooms, 

Lisa Mitchell: right? I think that's what people are more familiar of, you know, lawsuits or settlements or whatever.

People are thinking it's this contentious back and forth between attorneys. 

Hillary Sharpnack: And it's, it works to some degree, but it's still treated as a business negotiation because the mediator is still. The negotiator going back to the couple saying, okay, well, what are you essentially willing to accept? And here's what he or she is not willing to accept.

And what about this? And so the mediators going back and forth and again, it's, it's treated like a business deal and it's, it's not, it's a family. I mean, yes, it's still a dissolution. It's still a legal process, but this is a family. There's feelings involved. There's thoughts that should be shared. All of that.

You can't just remove Expect not to come into play when you're in a divorce situation. 

Lisa Mitchell: Right. So who do you, who do you find most often seeking you out? We'll just say a normal couple's coming, they're considering divorce, they've communicated. First of all, is it that most of the time both people are aware?

That someone's interested in a divorce, or are you fielding calls of one person kind of exploratory? Like what is, what is kind of that intake or that beginning conversation look like when somebody's finding you? 

Hillary Sharpnack: Yeah. I mean, honestly, we get all walks of life for lack of better words. So we'll get, the majority of ours is, is both spouses are, Seeking or wanting to seek the separation or divorce process, but we often get calls of just saying, Hey, I'm thinking about divorce.

I don't want to have to use an attorney if I don't want to, or, you know, whatever the case is, I'm just exploring options. And so sometimes they don't even know if their spouse one is even going to agree to a divorce or to agree to the mediation process. But they're really just in the information gathering phase.

And we love just when people call and are just asking for information because we want people to know about this process as much as possible. Doesn't mean that we're always the right fit for everybody. We certainly would love to be, but at the end of the day, we just want people to know about mediation, especially same room mediation and what the advantages of it are.

So kind of going back to your question, sorry, long winded here. But yeah, typically it will be one spouse is calling because they are getting ready to enter the divorce process, but we also get one spouse in the case where one spouse is calling us and they don't think the other spouse is going to agree to mediation because they want and only know about kind of the traditional litigation route or there's so much anger, so much hurt that they can't even envision their partner agreeing to a process of calling it collaborative, which is great conversations to have with them.

And we kind of give them some tips and some talking points to kind of use with their spouse of like, Hey, here's what mediation is. But more importantly, it's like, Hey, just have your spouse. Give us a call. I'm happy to talk with them and give them the information. Let them have the space to ask the questions they want.

We offer free informational meetings or consults. Often times it's both spouses together. 

Lisa Mitchell: Yeah. 

Hillary Sharpnack: But a lot of times, they're separate. Because again, one spouse is called, kind of getting the information, and then the other spouse we're meeting with at a later time to kind of give them the same information.

Lisa Mitchell: Who's calling first more often, 

Hillary Sharpnack: men 

Lisa Mitchell: or women? 

Hillary Sharpnack: Gosh. I'm so 

Lisa Mitchell: fascinated by, by who does what. Honestly. 

Hillary Sharpnack: Officially. I would say women, women are typically the, the one who is kind of seeking out and doing the research, doing the information gathering, or it's my friend went through this process or I heard about it through so and so.

And so it's usually like the woman that kind of has either heard about it in a social setting or has known somebody personally that has gone through the process, but they're the, they're typically the first ones that will reach out and say, Hey, we're looking to do this process. 

Lisa Mitchell: Okay. And then a follow on to that, just strictly out of my curiosity and I'm nosy.

Is it usually like, is the catalyst for beginning this process usually something sort of like some sort of catastrophic betrayal or is it general disenchantment or is it we've grown apart? Like, is there kind of a temperature on like the degree of severity that you normally hear or does it run the gamut?

Hillary Sharpnack: It runs the gamut. I mean, it's from all levels of conflict. I mean, I was just explaining to, I was doing an informational earlier today and I was explaining to them, like, we see people who come in and they're honestly like the best of friends and they just are divorcing because they just want something different.

They need something different, whatever the case is. And then we have, you know, To the complete opposite extreme where they don't even speak. They literally are not speaking unless it's through texting or if it's directly related to the kids, they don't even want to look at each other. I mean, so we have all walks of life that kind of come in through the process.

Lisa Mitchell: Have you ever gotten a phone call where you were like, absolutely not mediation, like, don't even look at mediation? Like, are there some circumstances that are like, no, this is not it? Oh, absolutely. 

Hillary Sharpnack: I mean, first and foremost, domestic violence of any kind. Not that we can't or mediation can't be successful, it's just there needs to be a lot more protective layers that kind of come into that process.

Correct. Yes, for that. Yeah. So we certainly, we screen for DV with all clients in our initial intakes and then we kind of gauge from there. But also the big one that we tell everybody is this is not a process if you want to punish each other. So if you are looking to come in here and take your spouse for everything they're worth and you want to punish them and you want to keep them from seeing the kids, this is not the process for you.

It doesn't mean that you you know, can't express your hurts and your frustrations and your whatnot. But this is not a process for you to come in and try to be the winner. Nobody wins in divorce first and foremost. But second of all, I mean, if you want to punish the other person, then go hire an attorney and have that attorney fight for you because they have that obligation to get as much as they can for you as their client.

But here it's how do we take what's here and create as much of a win win solution. 

Lisa Mitchell: Yeah. And do you find that most people are like, that's the approach they're looking for? Or do you find that some people are like, yeah, no thanks. I'm going to go get an attorney. Like. Are people pretty upfront with you, you feel like, on what their outcome is or kind of what their, what point of view they're coming from as far as punishment versus collaboration?

Yes. Pretty 

Hillary Sharpnack: quick. Yes. I mean, so here's the thing, and it kind of answers a little bit of your previous question, is when people are reaching out to us, it's because they want a process where they have a voice, they have the control. Yeah. Or it's just because they want to save money, which is very valid as well because they're coming to us.

They're seeking us. It's voluntary. Right? So it's not a court ordered mediation. Typically. So we know kind of off the bat, if they're at least asking about the process, they have the ability or the desire to be. agreeable, collaborative, whatever word you want to use. It's not a, I'm going to use this process to punish my, now that's not to say that people don't use that word or don't come in and say, listen, I don't want him or her to have parenting time, or I want to make sure I have all the retirement or whatever.

I mean, that's no, absolutely. People come in and they have expectations of what they want out of the outcome. And that's where our job as a mediator is to hear that, to listen to it, to apply it to the process, but more importantly, reality test it and see. Okay, so this is what you're wanting, but here's kind of the outcomes of here is how it could play out.

Is that really what you want? And that's our job as mediators is to walk them through that. And then also, if the other person's asking for the same thing, well, you can't both have the same thing. So, you know, where do we, where do we find the middle ground there? 

Lisa Mitchell: Well, and I think that's so helpful because I'm, you know, I'm thinking back to when I was going through my divorce process and there was You know, whether it's through TV or friends that have gotten divorced or people that you know that have had had experiences I think you kind of come in with an idea Yeah, of you know, and I'll use a term for lack of a better term like what you're entitled to Oh, absolutely right And how close do you find most people are when they start working with you to being like having the realistic?

Expectations of what entitlement actually looks like and how much of it is You Up for debate versus guided by state guidelines and how informed are people, do you think, or how close to reality are they when they first come into work with you? 

Hillary Sharpnack: I mean, old Google's are everybody's friend, right? So, so we find that a lot of people are doing their own research coming in before, which understandably you should.

But it's really is that information one related to Indiana is it really related to their situation and then more specifically to the mediation process. What I love about mediation is, yes, we, we are kind of bound by the same laws, statutes, et cetera, by the traditional litigation, but it's a creative process.

So. We get to be as creative as you guys want as the couple. I say we a lot. I apologize. No, you're you're in 

Lisa Mitchell: it 

Hillary Sharpnack: But it really is it's so we can be more creative than the traditional litigation process because it's like listen This is your guys's life. This is your guys's agreement. So what makes the most sense for you now?

Certainly. Yeah, the laws and the statutes and stuff kind of that conversation, especially around the financials and the specific parenting time, but we can do whatever the clients want to do, you know, within it being obviously legal, but yeah, I mean, our, as a mediator definition of fairness is not relevant because our definition of fairness is not what the client's definition of fairness is.

So, yeah. What you need the parenting and want the parenting plan to look like, that's up to you guys. We're just here as a mediator to give you that information and to explain the information in a way that's relevant to your situation in your case. 

Lisa Mitchell: I think that's such a great call out for anybody listening to this that is sitting in that kind of divorce curious space and your friends and your family, everybody's going to have big opinions about everything that you're doing, but I think one of the things I was most surprised about is how little through using the traditional attorney route and going straight.

You know, into the court is that they're really, there's not a lot of gray space. Like there are, there are pretty well defined state guidelines and exception handling to those guidelines or either a, you've come together collaboratively with the mediator or some sort of agreement prior to entering into the courtroom where the guidelines just kind of carte blanche rule everything.

Or there has to be some major violation of like minimum standard of care or something really an outlier situation, a safety situation or a neglect situation or something. And I think that's one of the things that was most surprising to me is I thought there would be a lot more flexibility to kind of like, and, and I know my ex did too, because he would say it right.

Well, I'm going to, well, the judge is going to hear this and that, right. It's like, you think you're going to have this big long ability to monologue or argue or be persuasive based on your opinion. And you just 

Hillary Sharpnack: really don't. No, not at all. You don't. I mean, it's, if you get the opportunity to be in front of a judge as part of the traditional litigation process, you're not the one speaking.

It's your attorney essentially speaking on your behalf and presenting the evidence, presenting the whatever. But even that it's such a short timeframe and time period that you. Your attorney gets to present that information. Right. And I think 

Lisa Mitchell: that's one of the sources of frustration that I've heard most, especially the people in my sphere that I've had these conversations with their women, you know, and they're so frustrated because they want to do mediation or they want to do a collaborative.

They want to figure some of these things out before they get to court. And the other side, it was like, well, when I go in and I tell them this, or I show them that they're going to say this or that, and like, not really understanding that it's like, it's, it's pretty much already defined. Oh yeah. Right. And there's not a lot, no matter how compelling or passionate your argument is, who cares?

Right. I mean, essentially. So, so to me, it seems like, and correct me if I'm wrong. Looking at a route, like working with you and going through mediation is really like if you think your opinion or your persuasiveness or your argument needs to be factored in doing it in mediation prior, is that the right assumption there?

Hillary Sharpnack: Absolutely. 100%. If you want to feel like you are being heard and you get to voice your, So to speak side of the story, yeah, mediation is going to be that place because not only am I hearing it as a mediator, but your spouse is hearing it. And that factors into the decision making process versus when you're in the traditional litigation route, it's black and white.

It's like, here's the laws, here's what, you know, what it means. And then it just becomes a negotiation at that point of like, okay, well, what are you willing to concede on? Okay. Then this is what this other person gets. But in mediation, it's, Okay. Why do you feel these things? And what is it? You know, why do you want this?

Why do you want the 90 10 parenting plan or whatever the case is? It's again, our job as a mediator to get to that. Why? Because you may say you want this, but that's not really what you want. It may just be because there's this underlying issue or this underlying need, but this solution over here could still meet that need or that underlying interest.

But it's, okay. You know, maybe a better solution for the children or better solution for everybody involved. And that's, that's where the beauty of mediation comes in is, is we get to get to that why in that those interests of why somebody wants or why is somebody is digging their heels on something.

It's like, okay, why let's figure it out. 

Lisa Mitchell: Yeah. I think context is like such an important factor, like the more, and I call them data points, right? Like the more data points you can collect, the better decision making. You can have, and I think for so many people that are in this divorce curious space or, or contemplating going into the process, they either never do because they don't have the data that they feel like to even know what their options are, or they're working on assumptions that, Oh, well, my partner is going to go in and get to plead this big, grandiose case, and I probably will suffer some sort of negative consequence.

So not having that information, um, is really so detrimental. So I love that you're unpacking this for them, but when you see people come into you or kind of hear the story of what they've done before they get to you, what do you think is like the biggest mistake or misconception that people have coming into mediation?

Hillary Sharpnack: The biggest probably misconception is kind of what we were just talking about is they expect it to kind of go the way that they feel entitled, whether that's the because the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines say this, or because of the laws and statutes say this, it comes down to kind of, well, I'm owed this or I'm entitled to this.

And that very well may be. But at the same time, again, it's looking at the bigger picture, right, of the whole family, the whole needs of everybody involved. So I would say that, but then also just the being able to come in and, and just get what I want. And so I'm going to come in, I'm going to plead my case and the mediators going to side with me and they're going to make sure I get everything I want.

No, we're neutral. Like we, we are not decision makers and also 

Lisa Mitchell: we're neutrals. So listen up, if you're looking to come into mediation so you can bully somebody and to given you everything you want, not the place on either side of the equation. 

Hillary Sharpnack: No. And we talked through that and we talked through kind of like, cause mediation, regardless if you're going through it, but in court ordered or you're doing it.

on your own, not court ordered. It's a voluntary process. So at any point, it just takes one side to say, no, not for me. I'm walking away. And that's absolutely fine. But we as a mediator also get the opportunity to say, Hey, this is we're out. Like we're going to end this process. Knock on wood. I've never had to do that.

My partner hasn't either, but we explain in those cases, it's due to. Potential coercion or because somebody is not being collaborative and they're just constantly looking to score points exactly looking to score points, or they're not making a decision because they want to stall the process or whatever it is.

I mean, there's certain situations in which we as a mediator would be like, yeah, this process is no longer working. And especially, yeah, somebody is being coerced or somebody is being forced into an agreement. Or if somebody is being, you know, not truthful, they're withholding information, especially on the financial side.

That would never happen in divorce. No, never. We don't ever hide things. Never, never, never. Gosh, if I had a dollar for every time I heard somebody say that, I think my spouse is hiding. And not to, not to dismiss that because it's a very valid thought or opinion. But again, kind of going back to mediation, it is still a legal process.

We're going through the entire legal process, but we're diving into the financials especially. So if there is the concern that, hey, my spouse is hiding assets or racking up credit card debt that I don't know about, we're going to uncover that in this process. process. And one step further, if they still don't feel like they're able to trust the information that's being provided, great.

Let's look at other options. Like, do we bring in a forensic accountant or do we bring in another process to kind of deeper dive into the financials? So 

Lisa Mitchell: nice. See, I think that's a great point of clarification too, because I think there might be this misconception that either mediation is like the easy way out, right?

Or you would face. Less scrutiny, if you could plead your case through mediation, which it sounds like absolutely not right, like it's justice thorough, if 

Hillary Sharpnack: not more thorough. 100 percent is just as thorough as the traditional litigation process. You have an ethical obligation to disclose the information and certainly in the, agreements that we write for every single client.

There is legal language in there that says you are signing this stating that I have provided all information. I am not hiding anything. I have not coerced anybody. So yeah, we have legal language in there because it's a legal contract. At the end of the day, what we're submitting to the court and to the judge is a legally binding contract.

Lisa Mitchell: I'm glad that we touched on that point because I think the misconception is that it's either not as thorough or conversely, it's greater scrutiny, right? Like would bring somebody under greater scrutiny than if they just went straight through the legal process. And so I think your answer there kind of says, well, it's neither of those things, right?

It's, it's thorough, but it's not overly scrutinizing anyone. And it's not. Letting anyone get away with anything, you know, 

Hillary Sharpnack: no, because I, I mean, I'm, I'm not a financial person and even if I was, that's not my role. I'm the mediator. That's not my role to do a forensic accountant's job and to kind of come in.

It's Hey, I'm, I'm taking the information that you two are providing. We're working with this information. If there's any concern and one person doesn't trust the information, Okay. What do we need to do to build that trust, to regain that trust on the financial piece, if that's what we're speaking to and that's where we talk, what are the other options?

But yeah, it's not appropriate for me as the mediator to, to do a deeper dive, even if I had the capability, you know, that would be outside of the mediators role. 

Lisa Mitchell: I think that's just a good point of clarity. Again, if I'm, if I'm sitting here, I'm divorced, curious. I don't, I don't really know much about mediation.

I only, you know, maybe have some assumptions or misconceptions. I think it's good. To be able to clarify that I want to give you the chance of, you know, thinking of who's listening to this or who's watching this right now. And, and there may be like, I don't know exactly what's next, but this is not it.

Like, I don't want to wake up in this life every day. And I'm trying to figure out the next best decision to make for me and for where I want to be and where I find my happiness. What from your point of view as a mediator might be like a good action step for them to 

Hillary Sharpnack: take? One, figure out what, if you can, what is it that you do want?

Is it, you do need to, to be on your own and in a separate life? Is it, you know, You want to stay married to this person, but just you don't want the marriage that you currently have. So it's just kind of figuring out what is it that you want in the here and now and also kind of what is it you're envisioning down the road?

Is it still with this person? But again, like I said, just not the same marriage you have today. Great. We have a process for that. My, my partner is trained in what's called couples mediation. So, which is not therapy. It's not counseling. I like to just throw that out there, but yeah, it's just kind of figuring out what it is that you want, but honestly gather the information, talk to people.

People are so willing to share information and spare, share personal experiences. I mean, that's why we do free informationals. Please call us and just say, Hey, here's where I'm at. Here's what I'm thinking. I just don't even know what my options are. Great. We'll talk you through the options. We talk with a lot of people who we talk about.

What is mediation? What is a legal separation? What is divorce? Yeah. And we may not hear it for them for two years and they may come back and 

Lisa Mitchell: say, they just took the data point away and then try to try to figure out what comes next. Yes. 

Hillary Sharpnack: Yeah. Because you don't know what you don't know. Right. So just ask the questions and get the information because at the end of the day, you have to figure out what is best for you and your family.

And you can't do that with without all the information. 

Lisa Mitchell: Yeah, I love that Hillary. Like, I think it's just so important to know that it's not always either or. Sometimes it's yes and sometimes it's just, it's even more options available than we might even think we have. And it's really important to start doing the homework to see what could help me get to that next place.

Yes. Once you figured out where that next place is. So speaking of next places, where are Some good next places where people could connect with you. 

Hillary Sharpnack: Certainly our, our website resolution mediation. I N as an India, India, I'm so sorry, Indiana. My husband's currently in India. It's on my brain. Apparently a resolution mediation.

I n. com is our website. And there is a plethora of information. Um, we have some really great. Articles, tips, tricks, information about our process, about our child inclusive mediation process, just anything related to kind of the divorce or separation world, but also information on how to better communicate with your spouse.

There's other resources that aren't just specifically related to divorce. That are on our website, but that is certainly the best place to kind of get the information about our process and our backgrounds and meet the team, so to speak. Awesome. 

Lisa Mitchell: Well, I have loved meeting you and meeting the team and, uh, we'll, we'll link up your, your, uh, website information and the show notes so people can get to your resources and get to you to ask questions if they need to.

And for the rest of you divorce curious listeners out there who maybe didn't know about mediation, but now you do, I would love to. And get your thoughts, your comments, if mediation might be right for you, what other information you'd like about it. Because I know if I ask Hillary really nice, she'll probably come back and do a part two for me.

So leave your questions in your comments. And as for us, you know, always like, follow, share. If you know somebody who is on the divorce curious journey and mediation might be a good next step for them, please share this episode with them. And until next time, be good to each other.